Leadership jargon debunked.
“It's time we make a paradigm shift going forward so that we can truly reach out and touch base with our customers, leveraging our core competencies to empower our people in achieving scalable best practice by thinking out of the box. Going forward.”
Sounds familiar? I'm not surprised. because we have all heard so called leaders consistently use this kind of jargon. No company kick off event would be complete without it. I can't say that the audience enjoys this nonsense. Unless that is we are all have our discrete sheets of Bull **** Bingo at the ready. Unfortunately these days it doesn't take long for someone to get a winning line.
Ever wondered why meetings are so pointless? Here is you answer. Its because they are filled with pointless words and phrases. In other words corporate jargon. Another example, this time a genuine publicly quoted CEO piece of jargon triumph: "Drilling down one more click on services, we actually think of multiple swim lanes of opportunity around business."
Genius! Masterful use of the English language in the pursuit of corporate mystery. Top Corporate Swinger Club Jargon stuff.
Once I witnessed our Global CEO give a 30 minute speech at one such event. I swear there was hardly a sentence in the whole 30 minutes that did not end with the words, “going forward”. No word of an exaggeration, at about minute 28 it even dawned on him that he was using the words “going forward” far too frequently. He paused, clearly trying to think of something more imaginative to end the sentence with. But the task was too taxing. So he finished the sentence anyway, with the immortal words…”going forward”. I kid you not. Afterwards I asked one of my colleagues what they thought of the speech. “We are clearly going forward” she replied. Just as well I thought, since a Time Machine hadn’t yet been invented to move us backward. Pity that. It would certainly allow us to to avoid listening to all this drivel in the first place.
Corporate jargon is everywhere, delivered with passionate embrace by countless senior managers. The question is why? Why say all this nonsense? Does it actually have any purpose at all? The answer is, surprisingly perhaps, 'YES'.
I would love to know the origin of corporate gobbledygook but sadly it is buried in the mists of time. My “research” must therefore be limited by the not inconsiderable experience I have of listening to such pointless words and phrases and, indeed, using a fair few of them in my own speeches. It's contagious you see. Become a manager and it is an expectation. To become a senior leader it is a key card to your promotion to the leadership team. I therefore think I'm in a good position to judge and to give an insight as to why these things are inflicted on ordinary mortals.
At the outset I have to point out there is a scale of reasons why such daft jargon is used. The scale starts with ‘its easier than meanigful thinking’ all the way to ‘its my badge of membership to the elite club’. In between there are various steps including ‘pretending I’m clever’ , ‘committing to nothing at all’ and ‘I’m not even aware that I am under this poisoned spell of daft pretentious phrases’. The latter step is often substituted for the last one. Some leaders are so stupid that ignorance is substituted at the very first. It never progresses beyond that.
“Jargon masks real meaning,” says Jennifer Chatman, management professor at the University of California-Berkeley’s Haas School of Business. “People use it as a substitute for thinking hard and clearly about their goals and the direction that they want to give others.”
The overall effect is even more pernicious. It keeps ‘normal’ people out of the club; like some heavily unionised closed shop - the jargon will sort out who is ‘in’, keep them ‘in’ and keep the rest of you plebs ‘out’. The trouble is that there are so many of these words - a whole unique language of nothingness if you will - designed for people with nothing between their ears in the first place. To keep my blog within reasonable tolerance of readability - if indeed my blogs ever do - I will address only a few. Maybe I will do future blogs on the same topic. It could keep me busy for decades.
Let's start with the most obvious nonsense.
‘We’
Yes its just two letters. Incredibly simple. And Royal. ‘We need to move forward’. ‘We need to change the culture’, ‘we need to do this’, ‘we need to do that’ etc etc
You know what I'm going to say. ‘We’ means nothing of the sort. It means you. When you hear ‘we’ get ready for an increased workload.
[We] have been told
‘Corporate Values’
Oh dear. Whenever a senior manager starts talking about 'corporate values' you know there is going to be trouble…going forward….of course. Companies don't have values. They cant. They are legal constructs without feelings, beliefs, worries, hopes, or passions. Those things belong to you…the company employee and the leadership. The values of people who make up the company reflect the values of the leadership. If the leaders are sharks then it won't be long before everyone else becomes a shark too…or leaves. Leaders talking about ‘corporate values’ makes everyone feel as though they have just eaten something rotten….and they spend most of the ensuing lecture trying to avoid throwing up at the absurdity of it all. It's good for the leaders of course…they can absolve themselves of any moral values whatsoever while simultaneously passing the buck to you. Mr “going forward” was fired sometime later…for his inappropriate relationship with an employee in his team. I rest my case.
'Reach out'
Oh my goodness. I hardly know where to start with this one. Lets try this. Why not actually say what you mean? Like , 'How about you contact this person’. Or ‘set up a meeting’. Or ‘apologise to him/her for being a complete tool’, or for that matter 'apologise to him/her for talking complete corporate jargon rubbish' Reaching out is such a wishy washy non phrase created for use by utterly wishy washy people. It's like the driver of a vehicle flashing their headlights at an oncoming car. What do those headlights actually mean? Its obvious isn’t it? That’s right, choose one of the following possibilities and make your move:
1. ‘I'm moving aside so you can come through’
2. 'I'm coming through so you had better move aside'
3. 'You stupid ****** *****'
4. 'Hello David, its me Sally, reaching out'
5. 'Sorry, its not my day'
6. 'I have just switched on the heating but nothing is happening'
7. 'I'm going forward’
Good luck.
And if, by chance, you really are reaching out to another employee I strongly suggest you don't - unless you want to end up being fired like Mr Going Forward. Best keep your hands to yourself.
'Low Hanging Fruit'
A particular pet hate of mine. “We need to focus on low hanging fruit” or some such nonsense. I can translate for you:
“I haven’t got the brains to figure out how to build the business / increase profits / achieve this or that objective and in any case I don't have the patience to wait for anything remotely realistic because my boss is on my back and he/she is even more stupid than I am so I'm just going to tell you to go and do something that has already been done 357 times before”
By the way, the tree has has long since died of over exploitation. Good luck.
'Pain Point'
Utterly meaningless except for the guarantee that you are about to receive an awful lot of pain while your esteemed leader enjoys a fine romantic 3 star Michelin Dinner with an attractive and highly ambitious young handpicked employee he/she 'reached out' to while on the latest business trip.
'Blue sky thinking'
Extensively used by people who can neither think, have no imagination and frequently spend time in exotic locations with plenty of blue sky while their employees toil in the dark in sweatshop conditions trying to figure out how the hell to get out of this mess. Guess who will be blamed?
'Peel the Onion'
Ostensibly means something along the lines of “We need to look at this in more detail to find out who to blame”. Inevitably this means that layers of management will look for a scapegoat, penetrating deeper down layer by layer into the organisation until the most junior member of the team is found and blamed for the fact that the 'low hanging fruit' has disappeared. As in peeling a real onion, it's the Commis Chef that will end up the one doing the crying.
'Leverage'
Just a minute. Excuse me…I urgently need the bathroom. [PAUSE] Phew, that's better. I still feel sick but at least I know my keyboard is safe from ‘spillage’. The word Leverage can mean one of two things. It can mean, in financial terms, borrowing money to make an investment. Your leader most probably doesn't mean that. Chances are they don't understand anything as technical as financial terminology. That’s why they hire accountants.
What they typically mean by this awful word is some kind of implied advantage that you can gain by doing something as in “We need to leverage our core competencies” or ”We need to leverage our client connections” or some such utter nonsense. What it really means of course is that you need to go and find ways to find even more sales/profit or reduce costs etc and to do so without the slightest help or idea of how. Maybe try some 'low hanging fruit'?
It really is sickening. So much so that…sorry….I need to rush to the bathroom again!
'Singing from the same hymn sheet'
Hopefully by now you are getting the hang of this. Obviously this implies something about trying to get a kind of agreement. You already know that whoever is saying it has absolutely no idea how to achieve that. “We all need to sing from the same hymn sheet” means, actually “You need to agree with everything I say” or alternatively “You need to get everyone else to agree with everything I say”. Going forward that is.
'Turn the tide'
Oh come on! Really? And just how do you expect me to do that? Unless of course you think I have biblical powers. Which is, being frank, about the only way we are ever going to achieve the absurd target you just gave us just before you fly off to your next one to one coaching session at your hotel with that attractive young employee you were talking with extensively at the post conference bar last night.
If only these things were simply funny. Unfortunately they often far more sinister. The point about all these ridiculous catchphrases is that they are always used to justify and reinforce the claim to seniority by belittling the recipient.
Even worse, as Steven Poole, who has written a book on ‘unbearable office jargon’ told BBC’s Radio 4 Today programme, office jargon can sometimes have sinister undertones. “It’s all about obscuring the violence of what the bosses are actually doing to people so they can carry on with a clear conscience.”
So true. So utterly cowardly.
There is just one defence. It not a great defence mind you, at least not in the meaning of Perry Mason, but at least an understandable one. Corporate jargon is also infectious. You might not even be aware you are using it. In fact I can guarantee that you do use it. Just like I did.
You see it's a kind of language. A language of the Gods. If you can’t speak it then you simply cannot participate in Godly leadership meetings. It would be like going in and talking English while everyone else is speaking Arabic. Actually it's worse because with English there is at least a sporting chance that other people might understand you. For them you are speaking Double Dutch. Or Hungarian. Or Martian. Quickly you find you have to speak in Corporate Jargon…if that is you are to become ‘accepted’ in this boss 'freemasonry club'. It's not really a language of the Gods of course. It's actually a language of the Devil. Which you must embrace. We have been warned. Going forward.
It is also contagious. Even the very best of us are all just one step away from the brutal metaphor or dangerous cliche. What sounded like a harmless bit of club fun turns out to have the inevitable result of the club orgy; a kind of verbal corporate leadership syphilis ….to be ‘enjoyed’ by those infected around you and future generations.
You might well be asking yourself what you should do faced with all this. My advice? I'm not going to give that to you because I can't. It depends entirely on your circumstances and your propensity for courage. What I can tell you is that you have 2.5 alternative options.
Option 1
Call them out. Use what I call the JOB technique. JOB stands for James O’Brien. For those of you who have never heard him in action you need to in order to fully understand the technique of getting to the core of BS statements. Its actually a really simple process and once you have tried it a few times it will allow you to ‘win’ any argument with any fraud. The process is straightforward. Just keep asking for precise clarification. Do not, under any circumstances, stop until a clear precise definition is given. Which of course it will not be. Because the basis is gobbledygook or something even more sinister. Here is an example of JOB in practice:
The advantage of this is that you can truly hold your head up high. You have exposed the frauds and charlatans for what they are. The downside is that you need to be brave. Very very brave. It's one thing having a JOB conversation with a subordinate. Probably also wise to be treated with some caution. You aim is not to destroy your employees - on the contrary it is to build them and help them to get better and better. Imagine then having the JOB conversation with your boss. Your boss should be able to take it but I have given this technique a very appropriate name…..because the chances are you will soon be looking for another job.
Option 2
Play the same game and use all these weasel words and meaningless phrases. The more obscure and cringeworthy the better. You will be embraced as ‘one of us’. It has the charm that, all other things being equal, that you will still have a pay cheque next month. What are all those things that need to be equal? Things like corporate politics, political manoeuvrings to take over your job, lies and double dealing from the other Leadership team members to name but a few. Unfortunately it does have a disadvantage of course. Namely that you have become one of them. Without morals or soul, you will be condemned by ordinary mortals around you and ultimately be fired when the woeful business results catch up with you all. You will also have to hang your head in shame. Assuming that is if you feel any shame at all.
Option 2.5
It's really a combination of the above two. What you are doing is striking a balance depending on situation and circumstance. You avoid trying to sail directly into the wind, tacking to obtain maximum advantage while still moving forward broadly in a noble direction. The advantage is you can still claim to be on the side of good and reason plus you can do so in the knowledge that you skilfully avoid getting fired. You are still in the game. As many a political party has found out, abandoning the middle might sound nice to promote some underlying extreme dogma but doing so and never winning the power to implement anything gets a little tedious after several elections. The downside is that it still needs a lot of courage PLUS it needs a fair bit of intelligence too. Getting the balance right is a key skill all of its own. A PhD in it is probably not sufficient.
I will leave it to you to decide.
One useful tip though is this - using humour can, if used well, be an effective cruise missile in the corporate world of politics. Again be careful. Cruise missiles are very explosive. I choose this analogy carefully. Yep...you understand...you need a PhD in using humour too.
If there are only 2.5 options open to you when you attend someone else's [more senior] meetings then what about your own?
When it comes to your own meetings…now there I can give you some clear guidance.
When it's your meeting…then there is your golden opportunity to lead with aplomb. And shame on you if you don't take it. Stop these lazy weasel phrases. Be clear. Be Precise. Talk from your heart. Honestly. Openly. And Listen. Cut out the jargon completely and utterly. Yes it takes effort, preparation and thinking. Lots of it. But it's your chance to become the Leader you wish you had. And watch something remarkable happen. Watch and listen as people leave the meeting enthused. Motivated. And uttering the words, “Wow, that was the most useful and productive meeting I ever attended. Wow. Just wow!”
Failing that there is one more alternative. Work for a leader that does care. That shares your values. That genuinely puts the organisation first. Someone who is a great leader. They are easy to spot. They are the quiet ones who encourage their crew to spread their wings, to take the glory and the accolades, yet step into the forefront when the storm clouds appear. Reassuring. Calm. Determined. Support those kinds of Leaders. Help them. It can be lonely up there on the helm and this Skipper will be happy to have someone they can truly trust and rely on and share council with. Success requires leadership to be a team sport. Indeed great leadership both nurtures and in turn depends on that very team spirit. Great Skippers do exist. Find them and you too will have found yourself. No jargon required.
Do it. Going Forward….of course.
© 2023 Andreas Swadlo
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